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zabooda
09-30-2009, 03:18 AM
Here's one anyway:

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.. What happened?? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'

'What about the wooden leg?? You didn't have that before.'

'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

'OK, but what about that hook?? What happened to your hand?

'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about that eye patch?'

'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?
'Well, it was my first day with the hook'

Life is Good

zabooda
09-30-2009, 05:58 PM
Thanks Ed. I thought maybe we were getting some off color jokes. It's usually in the first page or two.

moombadaze
09-30-2009, 08:29 PM
The Accident

The old man had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later,
in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning him.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.

The old man responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
put my dog into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

The old man said, "Well, I just got the dog into the car and was driving
down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in the old man's answer
and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
dog."

The old man thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, like I was saying, I
had just loaded my dog into the car and was driving him down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and the dog was
thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I heard the dog moaning and groaning. I knew he was in terrible
shape just by his groans.

Then a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear the dog moaning and
groaning so he went over to him. After he looked at him, and saw what
terrible condition the dog was in, he took out his gun and shoots him
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in
hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

"Now, Judge... what would YOU say?"

Roachman
10-23-2009, 05:44 PM
Ed, stealing my joke? I posted that on here a month ago. (but yours did sound a little better)

kaneboats
10-26-2009, 01:32 PM
Did you hear what happened when the Obamas were out in the backyard of the White house tossing the football around? Obama won the Heismann trophy. Then he drove across town to show it to Henry Louis Gates and on the way he was awarded the NASCAR Sprint Cup.

mmandley
10-26-2009, 02:12 PM
A couple in there 60s where at home one night. The wife came walkng into the living room stark naked and asked if he liked her outfit? The husband looked at her and asked "what are you wearing?" The wife replied "my Love dress!" The husband replied "it realy needs to be ironed"

SEARK
10-31-2009, 09:43 AM
Seven Steps to a Happier You

1. Open a new/ empty file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barrack Obama'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barrack Obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better? GOOD!

moombadaze
11-04-2009, 11:35 AM
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
_____

It's so bad, I ordered a http://www.preparingforthefuture.org/images/smilies/burger.gifer at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
_____

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
_____

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
_____

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
_____

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
_____

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
_____

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
_____

The economy is so bad Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
_____

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
_____

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
_____

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
_____

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

viking
11-13-2009, 04:57 PM
He just bought a new boat and decided to take her for the maiden voyage.
This was his first boat and he wasn't quite sure of the exact
Standard Operation for launching it off a ramp, but figured it couldn't be too hard.

He consulted his local boat dealer for advice, but they just said
"don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to launch the boat".

Well, he didn't know what they meant by that as he could barely get
the trailer in the water at all!

kaneboats
11-16-2009, 10:11 AM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

viking
11-25-2009, 02:13 PM
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK.......



I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:



A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon



As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'



I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status...



Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes you are correct." "But how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly"

deerfield
12-12-2009, 07:36 PM
if you hadn't seen this one before -

Ha! Read that to my wife and even she laughed.

kaneboats
12-14-2009, 04:09 PM
Guy shoulda gone with Pilsbury, right?

viking
12-14-2009, 04:37 PM
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

TahitiVC
12-14-2009, 10:46 PM
A baby boy is born without eyelids. They parents are very upset and ask the Doctor what he can do. The doctor performs a circumsicion on the boy and uses the forskin for eyelids



Now

The poor kid is cockeyed

kaneboats
12-16-2009, 12:53 PM
After years of being away from the Church an Irishman goes into the confessional box. He's amazed to find there's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

zabooda
12-18-2009, 12:00 PM
Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger?

Santa stops after 3 Ho's

zabooda
12-22-2009, 06:18 PM
Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
---------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

SEARK
12-22-2009, 11:40 PM
Blonde Password


During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to. When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

moombadaze
12-23-2009, 09:59 AM
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. @#ck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a @?%#ing grenade in my mouth, pull the $#@!ing pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f#$%ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s#i$ to match my &*%damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. $@ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the !@#$ing 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

SEARK
01-13-2010, 04:14 PM
TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK –

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow----

aintskeered
01-14-2010, 03:11 PM
10. Do 'em naked.

9. Instead of a restaurant receipt, send them leftovers from the meal in question.

8. Frequent use of the word "eleventeen."

7. Claim a deduction, do a shot!

6. In "For Office Use Only" area write "Approved. Send refund immediately."

5. Apply a long-term capital gain rate of 20% to a mutual fund, do a shot!

4. Sneeze on forms.

3. Instead of using dated definition of income, use the proposed revised definition under section 643(B) in which conforming amendments are made to regulations affecting ordinary trusts, pooled income funds, charitable remainder trusts, trusts that qualify for the gift and estate tax marital deduction, and trusts that are exempt from generation-skipping transfer taxes -- that always puts a smile on my face.

2. Deduct $100 in medical expenses for all the paper cuts you suffered because tax form is 75 damn pages long!

1. Audit yourself, if you know what I mean.

New Guy
01-26-2010, 05:20 PM
censored by thought control

Lawdog
01-27-2010, 04:45 AM
Got this from the local campus paper:

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A baseball bat

jester
01-27-2010, 11:10 PM
Ed,
I can see how some of the jokes are not for kids to read and people should have a good warning before reading them. Would it be better to have another thread that is called "Read at your own Risk jokes"

Also can you make the Joke of the Day a sticky so it is always at the top?

moombadaze
01-28-2010, 08:52 AM
As we come near the end of another year - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally confused about everything in the world now and have little chance of recovery.





I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.




I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel



bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.




I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).




Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.




I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.




I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.




I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.




I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.




THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.




Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.




I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.




I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.




I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.







Thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Making me even more ugly than old age has already done.




I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.




I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.




I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually AlQaeda in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.




I no longer buy expensive cookies since I now have their recipe.




Thanks to You I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thanks for Your great advice on this - I can't ever pick up anything dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab my leg from underneath my car.




I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy from certain fuel companies!




I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid the Violin Spider will bite me and my hand will fall off.








If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p..m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.




Oh, by the way.




A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain capacity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the crapper.

New Guy
01-28-2010, 11:43 AM
Ed didn't mean to cross a line I'll keep it clean next time.

moombadaze
01-29-2010, 09:28 AM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.




The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.



Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.



All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.



He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...











"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in OHIO, and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"

K_E_N
02-10-2010, 04:39 PM
As a child, growing up in New Orleans, Peyton Manning would often dream of throwing the Superbowl winning, touchdown pass for the New Orleans Saints..............


Guess dreams really do come true.....................

zabooda
03-01-2010, 01:57 AM
You gotta read this Craigslist listing. Why college when you can be a commedien.

http://kpr.craigslist.org/cto/1619578238.html

kaneboats
03-02-2010, 02:21 PM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it is now $150."

New Guy
03-10-2010, 02:55 PM
Male Date-Drug


Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

BensonWdby
03-10-2010, 08:41 PM
While deer hunting, two strangers take shots at the same deer at the same time and the deer goes down. They get to the deer at the same time surprised to see the other. There is only on bullet wound in the deer so clearly only one of them could claim the kill. Well Joe was certain he hit it and John seemed a little less certain, but neither would conceded.

Joe - "Well were both real men here, right?"

John - "You Betcha, for sure.."

Joe - "So here is what we can do. We'll take turns kicking each other in the groin.... Last man standing gets the deer. What do you say?"

John - "No problem, I am a real man for sure..."
Joe - "OK - I'll go first..." - and with that he drills John with a right foot that would have launched a missle, and John drops to the ground in dire pain.

After a couple of minutes John struggles to his feet and slowly smiles,
John - "OK, now it's my turn sucker.."

Joe - "No that's OK - you can have the deer." - and turns and walks away....

kaneboats
03-11-2010, 01:43 AM
Hey that's a ripoff of what we used to do to each other in Jr. High.

The game: "Let's see who can punch the other guy the lightest." Joe taps you so you barely feel it. You then punch Joe so hard they have to call paramedics. "Oh, sorry, I lose."

kaneboats
03-17-2010, 10:30 AM
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."

'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia.! We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and soon the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town.
Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.

You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment! , then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well...

It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking FOR LENT.

deerfield
04-06-2010, 11:32 AM
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

deerfield
04-22-2010, 11:18 AM
NINE VERY IMPORTANT WIFE MESSAGES

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying Screw YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

GeauxTigers
04-22-2010, 04:08 PM
FEMALE POEM
MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

Ed:
I am rolling on the floor!!! LOVE IT!

zabooda
02-02-2011, 04:41 PM
Cowboy Chili

> A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming .
>
> He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
> starring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just
> sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,
> 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
>
> The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and, in his
> best cowboy manner, says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'
>
>
>
> Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over, slides the bowl over to his place,
> and starts spooning it in with delight.
>
> He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
> The sight was shocking, and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the
> bowl.
>
> The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

FargoDawg
02-03-2011, 03:49 PM
ole and Lena are camping, Ole heads to the crapper, a few minutes go by and Lena hears Ole.."OH CRAP" Lena reluctantly goes to see what is going on, when she opens the door she sees Ole throwing his wallet and keys into the bottom of the toilet..
Lena..shocked: "what are you doing?"
Ole turns to Lena and states..."my change fell in there when I stood up"
Lena: "why the keys and wallet?"
Ole: "I'm not going in there for only $.67"

zabooda
02-07-2011, 06:27 PM
Born a Lutheran

Each Friday night after work,Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak. But, all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville all the way to Clinton , and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors,and, as he rushed into Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a walleye pike."

kaneboats
02-09-2011, 01:20 PM
A Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then... proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

rdlangston13
02-09-2011, 01:34 PM
A Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then... proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"


ROFL. that's hilarious. not sure about anyone on this board but I can't find anyone who voted for that guy. i dont even know how he got elected!

kaneboats
02-09-2011, 02:13 PM
Look, it's a joke. Please keep the political commentary on the political boards. Thanks!

zabooda
03-01-2011, 05:38 PM
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, Cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,

took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife At all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's Advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

rdlangston13
03-01-2011, 05:43 PM
hahahahahaha. i stole the blonde one for a facebook status

moombadaze
03-02-2011, 01:24 PM
a little prunning just happened here-fyi. keep the good clean jokes coming

Mod squad

mmandley
03-02-2011, 03:14 PM
Seriously? I didn't use any bad words. nothing worse then i have seen posted by another moderator.

If its content then i can understand but then id like to see more of the same prunning done with other posts.

kaneboats
03-02-2011, 03:54 PM
This has been coming for a while; it has nothing to do with who posted. Note to all for the future-- raunchy stuff will be pruned. This remains a family oriented site. You have the whole internet to use for the other stuff.

rdlangston13
03-03-2011, 11:06 PM
A young boy once asked his grandfather "What would I be born if I was not born a Texan?"

The grandfather shook his head a sighed as he replied "Ashamed."

kaneboats
03-10-2011, 12:18 PM
A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

kaneboats
03-10-2011, 06:56 PM
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.


* * * * *

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub o'course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile..

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

zabooda
03-10-2011, 08:15 PM
Subject: Safety Memo

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut

off all ten of his finkers.


He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky

doctor looked at Ole and said, "Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll

see vhat I can do."


Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."


"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2011

and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I

could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da

finkers?"


Ole says.........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up ?

zabooda
03-14-2011, 01:44 PM
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin’ like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

zabooda
03-16-2011, 03:52 PM
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

kaneboats
04-13-2011, 11:45 AM
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

viking
04-14-2011, 03:00 PM
A song on bob and tom i've heard before but funny nonetheless:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhhkF3dqXR0

zabooda
04-28-2011, 08:07 PM
A wife says to her engineer husband, "Could you please go to the store
for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

jester
04-28-2011, 08:16 PM
A wife says to her engineer husband, "Could you please go to the store
for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

^^^^ Now this is soo true. I have done the same thing.

rdlangston13
05-03-2011, 09:57 AM
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?


Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

zabooda
05-05-2011, 05:40 PM
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to “Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese
British writer, actor and tall person

kaneboats
05-19-2011, 12:50 PM
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses with a heart attack!


"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.


The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt..


His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.


"I'm dying here and you're putting?"


"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.


"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.


"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"


Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"


The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."


The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.


The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but when we pray in my church, we keep our head down."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.


The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"


"Yes" says the woman.


"Did you hit him with that golf club?"


"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.


"How many times did you hit him?"


"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through..


Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.


As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"


The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.


She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"


He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

New Guy
05-20-2011, 06:17 PM
http://i.imgur.com/9dWOe.gif
http://i.imgur.com/aE7mq.gif

kaneboats
06-03-2011, 01:29 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9h3NqMokmg

kaneboats
07-01-2011, 12:54 PM
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
At the chopping mall!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!

What was General Washington's favorite tree?
The infantry!

Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!

What dance was very popular in 1776?
Indepen-dance!

Which one of Washington's officers had the best sense of humour?
Laughayette!

"How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?
"The hot dogs were bad but the brats were wurst!"

What did Washington say as he crossed the Delaware?
"Next time I'm going to reserve a seat!"

Teacher: "Why did Washington chop down the cherry tree with his hatchet?"
Student: "Because his mom wouldn't let him play with the chain saw!"

Teacher: "The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia. True or false?"
Student: "False! It was written in ink!"

Teacher: Do you know where the Declaration of Independence was signed?
Student: Yea, at the bottom.

Teacher: "Who wrote `Oh say, can you see?"'
Student: "An eye doctor?"

How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!

Why did the duck say "Bang!"?
Because he was a firequacker!

What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!

Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler!

What ghost haunted King George III?
The spirit of '76!

kaneboats
08-30-2011, 07:26 PM
Rancher's Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
Drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then, one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally, he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my Boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my Socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her Boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire Light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

chawk610
08-31-2011, 12:45 PM
A pirate walks in to a pub and says, "Aye, I'll be havin'yer foinist Ale" The pub keep says, "Sure mate... but just one thing first, whats that ships steering wheel be doin' on ye mid section, it looks like it hurts?!" The pirate yells, " Arrrrgggghhhh, Aye... IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!!!!!"

kaneboats
09-02-2011, 12:14 PM
Men want it all

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said .... "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $55,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve problems.

rc5695
09-02-2011, 12:45 PM
that's funny kaneboats!

kaneboats
09-21-2011, 03:02 PM
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists:

1.The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus or anyone who does.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt (#3, RIP).

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be solved by Monday.

Razzman
09-30-2011, 02:58 PM
Mystery solved!

12336

moombadaze
11-21-2011, 10:07 AM
"The World’s Shortest Psychiatric Joke"

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of
Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, ‘Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

kaneboats
11-21-2011, 11:46 AM
I think I know that guy.

zabooda
11-21-2011, 12:44 PM
An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in
Rochester for a check-up
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to fish says the old
guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing
that, I'm out fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your
father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with
and fished with me this morning. '

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when
he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfathers' still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
fishing with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting
married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

kaneboats
11-23-2011, 11:38 AM
The Easy Way:

zabooda
11-23-2011, 01:28 PM
12840


They do have a point!

zabooda
12-06-2011, 10:01 PM
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
out of his fly for all
the world to see.He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are
exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat
blurts out....

"Ah Hell!... My girlfriend's gone, too!!

kaneboats
12-12-2011, 11:24 AM
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us.

I told my friend "That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror, dip-$hit!

kaneboats
12-16-2011, 04:42 PM
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what
was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting
a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been suffering in the ICU! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than
likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the
clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will
have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be
spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just joking with you. She's dead.....
What'd you shoot?"

New Guy
12-21-2011, 06:14 PM
>>>>>God Loves Drunk People Too
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

kaneboats
01-10-2012, 10:05 AM
Not really a joke but funny stuff nonetheless:

The Official Shotgun Rules

http://www.shotgunrules.com/pocket_reference_guide.shtml

rdlangston13
01-10-2012, 10:29 AM
How do you keep a Tiger out of your front yard?


Make it an endzone!!!

Wildbill
01-10-2012, 07:10 PM
how do you keep a tiger out of your front yard?


Make it an endzone!!!

burrrrnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!:d

kaneboats
01-17-2012, 10:04 AM
http://www.stevebridges.com/obamavideos-promo-Aug-2011.html

Buttafewcoe
01-22-2012, 07:06 AM
How do you keep a Tiger out of your front yard?


Make it an endzone!!!
.
nope, use a 9 iron and break the window out of his Escalade

zabooda
01-25-2012, 04:59 PM
Letter to a men's help line...
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket??

Priorities are IMPORTANT! Zabooda

mcdye
02-01-2012, 12:36 PM
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Jim! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Jim."He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks " Jim if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser"
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Jim, and says "Hi Jim. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Jim's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Jim follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Jim."..

kaneboats
02-01-2012, 12:59 PM
How to figure out your Blues name:

http://www.moomba.com/msgboard/attachment.php?attachmentid=13283&d=1328115522

I really wanted "Jailhouse Gumbo Dupree" but it didn't work out.

New Guy
02-01-2012, 01:18 PM
Jailhouse Fingers Jenkins

dusty2221
02-01-2012, 01:21 PM
I'm Old Killer Lee.

I would love to be Hollerin Lips Rivers

bergermaister
02-01-2012, 01:42 PM
"Ugly Fingers McGee" - sounds like some Scottish Criminal.

Hmmm - I'm thinking Big Pickles Johnson.

mcdye
02-01-2012, 02:24 PM
aka Sticky Dog Dupree

newty
02-01-2012, 02:27 PM
Skinny Foot Thompkins

I'm going to go with Happy Hips Johnson.

zabooda
02-02-2012, 11:58 AM
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door..

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

bergermaister
03-01-2012, 01:44 PM
http://laughawaythestress.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/aging.jpg

kaneboats
03-03-2012, 02:51 PM
Ole is a farmer in Minnie-sota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears
about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for
non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches
under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow
farts.
Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then
reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out
however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy
the cow and takes it home.
When he gets back to Minnie-sota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,
'Hey, Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and
see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't
yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he had not told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota.'

kaneboats
03-03-2012, 03:24 PM
Open the link and then click on the "Get Started" button.

http://www.google.com/onceuponatime/tisp/

kaneboats
03-05-2012, 01:04 PM
A couple were celebrating 50 years together..

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number
one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a
patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important
thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom
look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and
didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you
were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy
anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was
really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long
time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each
of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we
loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get
married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean
we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

kaneboats
03-05-2012, 01:07 PM
After he stops running move the cursor arrow to just above his head and see what happens. Funny.


http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html

zabooda
03-12-2012, 03:16 AM
Texas hunting laws

A Coloradan and a Texan were hunting in the Hill Country when an illegal alien runs across the field.

The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Coloradan.

"No, no, it's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.

Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.

Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.
The Coloradan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in
Texas !" protests the Coloradan.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

bergermaister
03-20-2012, 03:54 PM
yeah, but who's counting?

http://i326.photobucket.com/albums/k414/grberglund/f826f3c5.jpg

chawk610
03-20-2012, 06:07 PM
^^^^^^ bahhh haaaa haaaaa!

zabooda
03-20-2012, 06:54 PM
2 Polish Moose Hunters....

Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big bull moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.

The hunters strongly objected saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both... and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Yanush and Stashek survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Yanush asked Stashek, "'Any idea where we are?"



Stashek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"

WaterBullDawg1980
03-30-2012, 09:07 AM
Wow the above is Turkish. Welcome our fellow Turkey member. :confused:

WaterBullDawg1980
03-30-2012, 09:08 AM
yeah, but who's counting?

http://i326.photobucket.com/albums/k414/grberglund/f826f3c5.jpg

That is hilarious.

bergermaister
04-19-2012, 07:43 PM
Been around, but a funny read on a boring day...

The following is (supposedly) an actual question given on a
Louisiana State University chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off
heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and
heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not
a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number two must be true, and thus I am sure
that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct…...leaving
only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa
kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

BensonWdby
04-21-2012, 12:17 PM
Not to be a kill-joy - my wife laughed at this and this is a feat unto itself - but here:
http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp

zabooda
04-25-2012, 05:49 PM
Escaped Convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

iwaterskihard
04-26-2012, 08:25 PM
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH ... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!

kaneboats
05-04-2012, 03:32 PM
Sunday Quickie

A couple who lived in a very small high rise apartment knew
that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their
8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle
and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

zabooda
06-01-2012, 06:20 PM
Politically correct or not it is still funny.14671

Salyers
06-01-2012, 06:46 PM
Love it. Very funny!

jmvotto
06-28-2012, 12:01 AM
Just came across this again and bought I would share it, makes me laugh. If I crossed the appropriate line I understand.

http://i258.photobucket.com/albums/hh254/jmvotto/th_balloonsmp4-1.jpg (http://s258.photobucket.com/albums/hh254/jmvotto/?action=view&current=balloonsmp4-1.mp4)

yz 2smoke
06-29-2012, 09:59 AM
Just came across this again and bought I would share it, makes me laugh. If I crossed the appropriate line I understand.

http://i258.photobucket.com/albums/hh254/jmvotto/th_balloonsmp4-1.jpg (http://s258.photobucket.com/albums/hh254/jmvotto/?action=view¤t=balloonsmp4-1.mp4)

That was great

chawk610
06-29-2012, 10:26 AM
Freaking hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WaterBullDawg1980
06-29-2012, 07:22 PM
A doctor from Israel says:
"In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments:
"That's nothing, in Germany we
take part of the brain out of a person;
we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says:
"That's nothing either. In Russia we
take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately:
"That's nothing my colleagues,
you are way behind us....in the USA , about 4 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States , and now.......
the whole country is looking for work.

kaneboats
09-01-2012, 01:54 AM
Here's how it goes:

http://www.moomba.com/msgboard/attachment.php?attachmentid=15957&d=1346475283

kaneboats
09-28-2012, 03:39 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EZQvSCGaJI&feature=share

mmandley
10-25-2012, 12:07 PM
A biker is talking to a farmer. Suddenly, this energetic pig rushes out of the barn, squealing happily and snuggling against the farmer. The pig has a wooden leg.

Curiosity finally gets to the biker, he grins and asks: “Why does this pig have a wooden leg?”

The farmer glares at the biker and warns: “You be careful what you say about this pig. This pig is real special. Let me tell ya, about a month ago we had a fire up to the house. Wife and I were asleep. This pig right here came racing across the field, banged his snout against the window — we heard it, we were saved. That pig saved our lives!”

The biker is in awe.

“Let me tell ya something else. Last week I was out plowing the back forty, out yonder. The tractor went up an incline, overturned and pinned me to the ground. I couldn’t breathe. This pig … this pig right here dug me out, pulled me out by the collar and gave me snout-to-mouth resuscitation! That pig, this here one, saved my life.”

The biker was thunderstruck. “Yeah, but why does he have a wooden leg?”

The farmer snorted and rolled his eyes. “Are you crazy? You get a great pig like this, you don’t wanna eat him all at once!”

bergermaister
10-26-2012, 02:13 PM
Duh...

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mahbqfIQq21rdp46ao1_500.jpg

http://main.makeuseoflimited.netdna-cdn.com/tech-fun/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/incorrect.png

kaneboats
11-08-2012, 02:59 PM
PSYCHOLOGY vs LAW.....


A guy asked a girl in a library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?

The guy responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears;
"I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

newty
11-08-2012, 03:41 PM
Obama is our president.
Joke of the day... Get it? Lol

Sent from my Duhroid

beat taco
11-08-2012, 04:52 PM
Obama is our president.
Joke of the day... Get it? Lol

Sent from my Duhroid

...................

KG's Supra24
11-08-2012, 05:07 PM
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR5YsYF8FJqDnnbiTecpTjaCQSdtEf0N SppwZUe-vX25VvZ6B8eO6N0eH1p6Q

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/533743_10151239739799207_1399061202_n.jpg

dusty2221
11-08-2012, 05:57 PM
You are a funny pic thief.

moombadaze
11-08-2012, 06:20 PM
Obama is our president.
Joke of the day... Get it? Lol

Sent from my Duhroid


yuppppppppppp

beat taco
11-09-2012, 01:12 AM
Fine, I'll play.
http://youtu.be/eX8tL3PMj7o

rdlangston13
11-09-2012, 03:19 AM
Ahh yes because the GOP wants to oppress gay people and women


Sent from my iPhone newtys droid killer using Tapatalk

chawk610
11-09-2012, 08:01 AM
David... legit Rape... remember???

rdlangston13
11-09-2012, 09:24 AM
You can't base the entire GOPs values off of a few whackos who claim to be republicans


Sent from my iPhone newtys droid killer using Tapatalk

KG's Supra24
11-09-2012, 11:04 AM
Chill out guys, I think it was a play on the election results. It's not always about you :D

David, agree completely but the figure heads and talking points are all top drawer jokes of the day material. Save that discussion for the other thread.

In an attempt to go back on track ...

http://i.imgur.com/6o34z.jpg

http://imgur.com/pZ0Fr.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/YmR4G.png

zabooda
11-14-2012, 01:23 AM
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove
that...

the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides.

BensonWdby
11-14-2012, 08:22 AM
groan.....

zabooda
11-14-2012, 09:15 PM
College Football


Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.
In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
___________________________________________

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________

How did the Missouri football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two Oklahoma football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

A University of Texas football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.
He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
___________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "
"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;
The other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former Kansas football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
___________________________________________

kaneboats
12-05-2012, 11:14 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_NspDWssIY

kaneboats
12-12-2012, 05:04 PM
It all makes sense now. Gay marriage & marijuana being legalized on the same day in Washington state.


Leviticus 20:13- "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."



We were just interpreting it wrong. :o

rdlangston13
12-12-2012, 10:38 PM
It all makes sense now. Gay marriage & marijuana being legalized on the same day in Washington state.


Leviticus 20:13- "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."







We were just interpreting it wrong. :o

now that's funny right there! i dont care who you are

bergermaister
12-18-2012, 04:33 PM
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends and family about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it

BensonWdby
12-19-2012, 01:49 AM
Well this is reality = not a joke - kind of scary - yet funny
A Golden Eagle trying to fly off with a little kid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CE0Q904gtMI&sns=fb

bergermaister
12-19-2012, 02:57 PM
To All My Democratic Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wish.


To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ 2013.

BensonWdby
12-19-2012, 08:55 PM
Turns out - not reality. Never trust the inter-web

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2012/12/19/golden-eagle-video-snatches-kid-you-tube/1779343/


Well this is reality = not a joke - kind of scary - yet funny
A Golden Eagle trying to fly off with a little kid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CE0Q904gtMI&sns=fb

kaneboats
01-31-2013, 12:09 PM
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,

`I cannot accept money from you, I`m doing community service this week.`

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a `thank you` card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.



Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,

`I cannot accept money from you , I`m doing community service this week.`

The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a `thank you` card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.



Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied,

`I can not accept money from you. I`m doing community service this week.`

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop..

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were 43 more Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

zabooda
02-01-2013, 09:23 PM
Good one Kane. That says it all.

bergermaister
02-21-2013, 01:46 PM
A must read for Grandparents..
(Those who aren't will love it, too.)



At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.



'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, di**head or a$$hole. Do you understand all that?'



The little boy nodded 'yes' again.



He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb a$$ or sh**head" is it?'



The little boy shook his head 'NO'.



'GOOD', said the coach.. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'

zabooda
02-22-2013, 01:08 AM
I become confused when I hear the
word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
US Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Federal, State, City, & public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one
of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what
all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I.

kaneboats
02-22-2013, 11:25 AM
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.
. . . Now I'm afraid to pee.

zabooda
03-04-2013, 04:57 PM
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway just outside Washington, D.C.
Nothing was moving.



Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls it down and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress," said the man. "They're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

bergermaister
05-13-2013, 06:00 PM
Not quite a joke but still cracked me up-

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/bulldozer-rampage-allegedly-over-fence-163516716.html

kaneboats
05-16-2013, 10:04 AM
The Difference

The difference between the Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan is that the members of the Supreme Court dress in black robes and scare white people.

kaneboats
05-29-2013, 11:09 AM
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,

'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,

'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'


The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.


'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich ....

beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

bergermaister
07-03-2013, 12:40 PM
This guy's initials. hehehe

https://www.facebook.com/wayne.t.franklin.5

kaneboats
07-13-2013, 10:45 AM
This one's not very funny.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/07/12/tech/social-media/facebook-jailed-teen/index.html

Swift would be locked up for making "A Modest Proposal" today.

bergermaister
07-18-2013, 06:17 PM
Due to poor planning I was stuck in a developer meeting during the lunch hour today.
A car alarm starts going off in the parking lot so a few of the guys are peering out the windows.

I ask if it's anyone we know.

Dan says: "No just some lady in a van"

Me: "Is she hot?"

Dan: "I don't know - I can only see legs and bush"

I look around the room and no one even flinches, although I see a few others thinking what I am but they are biting their lips. I can't take it anymore...

"YOU SAW HER WHAT?!"

The whole room explodes in laughter and Dan goes completely red.

"I can only see her legs behind the bush" he tries to sputter out.

The laughter gets even louder and the tears start flowing. Once again I can't resist...

"WHAT?! I GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT FOR MYSELF"

At which point we're falling out of chairs laughing while Dan attempts to regain his composure.

Unfortunately for him, he's so worked up that the first thing out of his mouth trying to redirect the meeting back on course is...

"I prefer the Quick Ass..." when he meant to say the "Quick Access" toolbar.

At this point I had practically peed myself and had to step outside because my gut hurt from laughing so hard.

kaneboats
07-20-2013, 12:37 PM
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

brad460
07-20-2013, 01:45 PM
What are the three rings of marriage?

Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffering

zabooda
07-22-2013, 06:44 PM
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your Mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

kaneboats
08-08-2013, 12:19 AM
The Final Exam

At Yale University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Old Eli until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...







For 95 points: Which tire? _________

kaneboats
08-12-2013, 04:57 PM
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well you’d better look in the garage!"...she said.

kaneboats
08-13-2013, 05:35 PM
My boss, who has been absent this week meeting with out of town clients, phoned me today.
He said "Is everything OK at the office?"
I said "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."
"Can you do me a favor" he asked.
I said "Of course, What is it?"
"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."

jester
08-13-2013, 05:57 PM
You have been on the ball the last two days. Both of them are very funny.

kaneboats
08-14-2013, 10:30 AM
Well, time to do something about that:

1. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class yesterday. The Principal explained it had to be done -- because it was a weapon of math disruption.

2. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

3. What's a golfer's favorite animal?
Why, the lynx of course.

4. There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

5. Why do fish live in saltwater?
Pepper makes them sneeze.


Bonus joke:

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. 21 years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

rc5695
08-14-2013, 01:02 PM
Well, time to do something about that....

and you did....

haha. Was thinking the same thing, that the last few posts have been pretty darn funny.

kaneboats
08-23-2013, 10:26 AM
Married Communication:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replies, "They had avocados."

kaneboats
08-29-2013, 04:07 PM
Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the $hit out of them first!"

newty
09-17-2013, 03:53 PM
David Letterman may not get any flack from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does get some 'flack' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts.

******

******* David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

 

**** # 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

******

******* # 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

******

******* # 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

******

******* # 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

******

******* # 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

******

******* # 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

******

******* # 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

******

******* # 3 - No Cadillac’s approved for competition.

******

******* # 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

*

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T DRIVE IN NASCAR...

******

******* # 1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways.

Woody929
09-17-2013, 09:14 PM
Then there is this:
http://www.snopes.com/racial/humor/nascar.asp

jmvotto
09-17-2013, 11:25 PM
Still funny!

BensonWdby
09-18-2013, 12:36 AM
Here is what is funny - stereotypes assign specific attributes to a large population, generally negative.. They are everywhere for every race, national origin, gender, religion. Perhaps also there is the stereotype that if you find humor in jokes about stereotypes - then you are a bigot. Kind of a Mobius Strip - http://www.math.hmc.edu/~gu/curves_and_surfaces/surfaces/moebius.html
See how I tied this in to a context relevant comment (Mobius).
Personally I find sterotypical jokes about old white married guys pretty funny - because I can identify with them at a certain level and I can laugh at myself.

kaneboats
09-18-2013, 11:16 AM
I'm kind of a suburban gangsta so I laughed at about half of those. The gun under the seat was pretty good but there were some obvious ones and idiotic ones so it sounded a lot like a real Top Ten list. I kind of remember Dale Jarret being on there-- must have been a long time ago because I haven't watched it in over 10 years (Winston Cup name was changed to NEXTEL in 2003).

drb59
09-19-2013, 12:34 PM
Good point.
Not sure if this meets forum policy.


Then there is this:
http://www.snopes.com/racial/humor/nascar.asp

kaneboats
09-20-2013, 01:10 PM
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

mikenehrkorn
09-20-2013, 03:01 PM
Just made my crappy day much better...........thanks!!!

kaneboats
09-21-2013, 12:21 AM
Hey, coach! It's what I do. Glad I'm appreciated. Soon I'll be on tour.

newty
09-21-2013, 09:35 PM
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously
in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will
not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure,
and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my
hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now
regularly threatens me with it!

jester
09-22-2013, 01:12 PM
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

rc5695
09-23-2013, 01:39 PM
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
anybody know how to clean potato chips off a monitor? lol. i shouldn't have read this at lunch at work. too dang funny!!!

zabooda
09-25-2013, 05:37 PM
A public school teacher was arrested today at Tampa International airport as
he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor
a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference,
Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the
notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer
to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides
to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is
believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

86century
09-26-2013, 12:24 AM
A public school teacher was arrested today at Tampa International airport as
he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor
a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference,
Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the
notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer
to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides
to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is
believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.


bad just bad

trmaggie98
09-26-2013, 06:06 PM
Man died and went to heaven. He's standing at the pearly gates and sees clocks everywhere. He asks St Peter what all the clocks were for. St Peter said its how he keeps track of people's lies. The man sees a clock sitting on the 1 and asks who's it it. St Peter said that's Mother Teresa's, she only told one lie. He sees one sitting on 2, and asks who's that is. St Peter said that's Abe Lincoln's. then the guy asks " where is Obamas clock?". St Peter replies, "it's in Jesus's office on the ceiling, he's using as a ceiling fan!"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free (http://tapatalk.com/m?id=1)

newty
09-27-2013, 12:03 AM
Man died and went to heaven. He's standing at the pearly gates and sees clocks everywhere. He asks St Peter what all the clocks were for. St Peter said its how he keeps track of people's lies. The man sees a clock sitting on the 1 and asks who's it it. St Peter said that's Mother Teresa's, she only told one lie. He sees one sitting on 2, and asks who's that is. St Peter said that's Abe Lincoln's. then the guy asks " where is Obamas clock?". St Peter replies, "it's in Jesus's office on the ceiling, he's using as a ceiling fan!"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free (http://tapatalk.com/m?id=1)

AWESOME! Lol

bergermaister
10-02-2013, 02:12 AM
Mom's submission....

My husband was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

moombadaze
10-08-2013, 04:54 PM
> have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
> thinking, 'surely i can't look that old? Well, you'll love this one:
>
> " my name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for
my
> first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which
> bore his full name.
>
> suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same
> name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.
>
> could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
> upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
>
> this balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too
> old to have been my classmate.
>
> after he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park
> high school.
>
> "yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
> "when did you graduate?" i asked.
> he answered , "in 1959. Why do you ask?"
>
> "you were in my class!", i exclaimed.
>
> he looked at me closely, and then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat _ss,

gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-b_tch asked, "what did you teach?"

jmvotto
11-08-2013, 03:41 PM
THE AFFORDABLE BOAT ACT
Boat Act..


The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: "The affordable boat act" declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014. These "affordable" boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.

This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new laws ensures that every American can now have a "affordable" boat of their own, because everyone is "entitled" to a new boat. If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive 4 "free" life jackets; not including monthly usage fees.

In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who cant afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat.

If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can't). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or cant afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one or face imprisonment.

Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert; ghettos; inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat.

A government review board (that doesn't know the difference between the port, starboard or stern of a boat) will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride your boat and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories,(like a $500 compass) or a newer and more expensive boat.
Those that can afford yachts will be required to do so...its only fair. The government will also decide the name for each boat. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of tax payers. Unions, bankers and mega companies with large political affiliations ($$$) are also exempt.

No virus found in this message.



"Ask not what your government can do for you,

kaneboats
11-08-2013, 03:54 PM
That is NOT FUNNY! :mad:

mikenehrkorn
11-08-2013, 03:58 PM
That sir is hilarious!!!

And as an independent consultant that must find and pay for his families' health insurance, don't even get me started on how much my premiums will be going up based on the AFFORDABLE Care Act.........someone needs to remind everyone (gov't / insurance companies) what that first "A" stands for!!!

wolfeman131
11-09-2013, 06:53 PM
someone needs to remind everyone (gov't / insurance companies) what that first "A" stands for!!!

It stands for A$$HAT and refers to Mr. Obama.

kaneboats
11-22-2013, 04:06 PM
Subject: THE COYOTE PRINCIPLE - go Texas


CALIFORNIA:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is
natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the
State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the
State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts
a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat
rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.

The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional
special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
against the State.



TEXAS :

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote
jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps
jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

deerfield
11-22-2013, 09:48 PM
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

Seriously, if Texas were ever to break away to form the foundation of a new republic, I would give up nearly everything I own, including my Outback, and head south.

kaneboats
01-10-2014, 05:00 PM
Dear Sir:

Our lab results confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancer. It was lipstick. We are sincerely sorry for the diagnostic error, apologize for the amputation and regret any inconvenience this may have caused.

Your Obamacare Surgeon

moombadaze
01-10-2014, 06:52 PM
^^^^^best of 2014 right there!!!

kaneboats
01-23-2014, 02:12 PM
Worship through they eye of the child:

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday
School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,

"My Mommy
looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

________________________________
GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She
asked the class, "If you saw a person
lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you
do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

________________________________
DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

________________________________
HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

________________________________
MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

________________________________
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most
quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23.

She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.

After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

____________________________
UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.

"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon"

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

________________________________
BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night?

That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

________________________________
TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes, sir." the
boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked. "No sir," the boy
replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"

_______________________________

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our
house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

:)

drb59
01-23-2014, 06:23 PM
I need to send the "Prayer Unanswered" to our minister. Left church last week shaking my head. Thanks for the Jokes!

kaneboats
02-13-2014, 09:24 PM
E-MAIL FROM A SAUDI STUDENT TO HIS DAD.

Dear Dad

London is wonderful and people are really nice, I really like it here.
But dad I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my
Teachers and many fellow students all travel by train.

http://www.moomba.com/msgboard/attachment.php?attachmentid=19268&d=1392341052


Your son, Nasser

REPLY:

My dear loving son,

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account.
Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, Dad

http://www.moomba.com/msgboard/attachment.php?attachmentid=19269&d=1392341070
19268
19269

kaneboats
02-18-2014, 11:54 AM
My Resimay

To hoom it mae consern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type reale quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRIANNA


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a picktere of me.








http://www.moomba.com/msgboard/attachment.php?attachmentid=19295&d=1392738860


Employer's response:

Dear Brianna ,

It's OK honey, we have SPELL CHECK.

See you Monday!





19295

Sharpshooter
02-18-2014, 03:06 PM
Too funny


2013 Moomba LSV

kaneboats
02-20-2014, 11:46 AM
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

. . . I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I know I don't have any of my own at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again . . .


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot and killed his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:


. . . Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife" . . .

bergermaister
02-24-2014, 11:12 PM
This happened on a flight getting ready to
Depart for Detroit .

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy
Took the seat beside him. The guy was an
Emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking,
Moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's
Crazy people there. They've got lots of
Shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs,
Poor public schools, and the highest
Crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life.
It's not as bad as the media says. Find a
Nice home, go to work, mind your own
Business, enroll your kids in a nice private
School.

It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your
Word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

http://i326.photobucket.com/albums/k414/grberglund/tailgunnerBL.jpg

bergermaister
02-24-2014, 11:14 PM
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

bergermaister
03-20-2014, 02:47 PM
If Google was a guy - LMAO

(some language)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=B759dzymyoc

kaneboats
04-29-2014, 11:28 PM
The Man Who Would Give Up Sex For Golf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a mysterious looking stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again,

"Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same dark stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle!

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the slithery stranger quickly moves to his side and says,

"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger sidles alongside of him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I am Satan, and from this day forward you will have NO sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer quietly replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."

kaneboats
08-04-2014, 09:05 AM
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking hobo who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, you won't buy beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the hobo replied.
"Well, you won't do something crazy like spend the money on golf instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the hobo. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The hobo was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious for bringing me to your house?
The man replied, "No worries. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

kaneboats
10-09-2014, 02:16 PM
The Male Mind?????

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife.

Husband: I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Oh, 5 something . .

Sergeant: Build?
Husband: Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Uh, never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes-- according to season, I think.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: Did she go in a car?
Husband: Yes.

Sergeant: What kind of car was it?
Husband: 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.

. . . . . . .

bergermaister
10-29-2014, 02:05 PM
NEW OUTBREAK, worse than Ebola, Beware

http://i326.photobucket.com/albums/k414/grberglund/work.jpg

rdlangston13
10-29-2014, 04:36 PM
NEW OUTBREAK, worse than Ebola, Beware

http://i326.photobucket.com/albums/k414/grberglund/work.jpg

I like it! In fact I think I am going to have to share this one on FB.

moombadaze
11-15-2014, 09:30 AM
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http://static.themetapicture.com/photos/2014/11/funny-patient-story-old-wife.jpg






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bergermaister
11-19-2014, 12:42 PM
From my dad....


Subject: It has already started at Dick's Sporting Goods



When I was ready to pay for my purchases of bullets, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control
wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the
card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

mikenehrkorn
11-19-2014, 12:56 PM
LOL -- is that a true story?? I could easily see that happening.....

bergermaister
11-19-2014, 05:08 PM
I seriously doubt it but you never know with my dad... :p

kaneboats
11-20-2014, 12:29 PM
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60 !


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

kaneboats
11-20-2014, 12:29 PM
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60 !


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

slipperyrockTKE300
11-20-2014, 12:35 PM
Being one who falls into the 60 and up age category, I do not find this funny.

Well, ok sort of.

I'll still challenge any of you "kids" to a 20 mile run (except for Yearround) :)

kaneboats
11-24-2014, 09:48 AM
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes -- but we fail to realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit: A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

kaneboats
11-25-2014, 10:50 AM
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna