This guy's initials. hehehe
This guy's initials. hehehe
This one's not very funny.
Swift would be locked up for making "A Modest Proposal" today.
Due to poor planning I was stuck in a developer meeting during the lunch hour today.
A car alarm starts going off in the parking lot so a few of the guys are peering out the windows.
I ask if it's anyone we know.
Dan says: "No just some lady in a van"
Me: "Is she hot?"
Dan: "I don't know - I can only see legs and bush"
I look around the room and no one even flinches, although I see a few others thinking what I am but they are biting their lips. I can't take it anymore...
"YOU SAW HER WHAT?!"
The whole room explodes in laughter and Dan goes completely red.
"I can only see her legs behind the bush" he tries to sputter out.
The laughter gets even louder and the tears start flowing. Once again I can't resist...
"WHAT?! I GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT FOR MYSELF"
At which point we're falling out of chairs laughing while Dan attempts to regain his composure.
Unfortunately for him, he's so worked up that the first thing out of his mouth trying to redirect the meeting back on course is...
"I prefer the Quick Ass..." when he meant to say the "Quick Access" toolbar.
At this point I had practically peed myself and had to step outside because my gut hurt from laughing so hard.
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
What are the three rings of marriage?
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your Mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
The Final Exam
At Yale University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Old Eli until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire? _________
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well you’d better look in the garage!"...she said.
My boss, who has been absent this week meeting with out of town clients, phoned me today.
He said "Is everything OK at the office?"
I said "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."
"Can you do me a favor" he asked.
I said "Of course, What is it?"
"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."
You have been on the ball the last two days. Both of them are very funny.