A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Just made my crappy day much better...........thanks!!!
Hey, coach! It's what I do. Glad I'm appreciated. Soon I'll be on tour.
Re: Joke of the Day
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously
in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will
not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure,
and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now
regularly threatens me with it!
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
anybody know how to clean potato chips off a monitor? lol. i shouldn't have read this at lunch at work. too dang funny!!!
Originally Posted by newty
A public school teacher was arrested today at Tampa International airport as
he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor
a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference,
Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the
notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer
to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides
to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is
believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Originally Posted by zabooda
bad just bad
Joke of the Day
Man died and went to heaven. He's standing at the pearly gates and sees clocks everywhere. He asks St Peter what all the clocks were for. St Peter said its how he keeps track of people's lies. The man sees a clock sitting on the 1 and asks who's it it. St Peter said that's Mother Teresa's, she only told one lie. He sees one sitting on 2, and asks who's that is. St Peter said that's Abe Lincoln's. then the guy asks " where is Obamas clock?". St Peter replies, "it's in Jesus's office on the ceiling, he's using as a ceiling fan!"
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Re: Joke of the Day
Originally Posted by trmaggie98