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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #181
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Vancouver, WA
    Posts
    4,114

    Default

    Mom's submission....

    My husband was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

    Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.

    Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

    You can't fix stupid.
    Old enough to know better, young enough to do it anyway.

    2001 MobiusV

  2. #182
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Land O Lakes, Florida
    Posts
    5,871

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    > have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
    > thinking, 'surely i can't look that old? Well, you'll love this one:
    >
    > " my name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for
    my
    > first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which
    > bore his full name.
    >
    > suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same
    > name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.
    >
    > could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
    > upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
    >
    > this balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too
    > old to have been my classmate.
    >
    > after he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park
    > high school.
    >
    > "yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
    > "when did you graduate?" i asked.
    > he answered , "in 1959. Why do you ask?"
    >
    > "you were in my class!", i exclaimed.
    >
    > he looked at me closely, and then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat _ss,

    gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-b_tch asked, "what did you teach?"
    Hey, Its Moomba time

    13 Mobius LSV
    08 Mobius LSV-sold
    03 Mobius LSV-sold
    life is about finding the balance between being a responsible adult and staying young at heart

  3. #183
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Keuka Lake, NY
    Posts
    5,917

    Default

    THE AFFORDABLE BOAT ACT
    Boat Act..


    The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: "The affordable boat act" declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014. These "affordable" boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.

    This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new laws ensures that every American can now have a "affordable" boat of their own, because everyone is "entitled" to a new boat. If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive 4 "free" life jackets; not including monthly usage fees.

    In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who cant afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat.

    If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can't). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or cant afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one or face imprisonment.

    Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert; ghettos; inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat.

    A government review board (that doesn't know the difference between the port, starboard or stern of a boat) will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride your boat and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories,(like a $500 compass) or a newer and more expensive boat.
    Those that can afford yachts will be required to do so...its only fair. The government will also decide the name for each boat. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

    Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of tax payers. Unions, bankers and mega companies with large political affiliations ($$$) are also exempt.

    No virus found in this message.



    "Ask not what your government can do for you,
    A Day at the Lake...Priceless
    A Day in Powder...Endless


    Joe V
    2012 Möbius XLV~ Loaded & Exiled
    2007 Outback V ~ sold

  4. #184
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    11,301

    Default

    That is NOT FUNNY!
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    Exile Tunes
    PWI
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



  5. #185
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    Naperville, IL || North Scott Lake, MI
    Posts
    672

    Default

    That sir is hilarious!!!

    And as an independent consultant that must find and pay for his families' health insurance, don't even get me started on how much my premiums will be going up based on the AFFORDABLE Care Act.........someone needs to remind everyone (gov't / insurance companies) what that first "A" stands for!!!
    Mike

    2013 Outback V
    2003 SeaRay 182 -- gone but not forgotten...

  6. #186
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Snellville, GA & Lake Sinclair
    Posts
    7,054

    Default Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by mikenehrkorn View Post
    someone needs to remind everyone (gov't / insurance companies) what that first "A" stands for!!!
    It stands for A$$HAT and refers to Mr. Obama.
    Drew
    New ride: 2012 Mojo
    Old ride: 2008 OBV

  7. #187
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    11,301

    Default Shout Out to the Texas Contingent

    Subject: THE COYOTE PRINCIPLE - go Texas


    CALIFORNIA:

    The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

    A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

    1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
    and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is
    natural.
    2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the
    State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

    3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the
    State $200 testing it for diseases.

    4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
    diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

    5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts
    a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

    6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote
    awareness program" for residents of the area.

    7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat
    rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world

    8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.

    The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional
    special training re: the nature of coyotes.

    9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
    against the State.



    TEXAS :

    The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote
    jumps out and attacks his dog.

    1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps
    jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

    2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

    And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    Exile Tunes
    PWI
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



  8. #188
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Richmond, VA
    Posts
    1,799

    Smile

    Quote Originally Posted by kaneboats View Post
    And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
    Seriously, if Texas were ever to break away to form the foundation of a new republic, I would give up nearly everything I own, including my Outback, and head south.
    2007 Outback
    2012 RAM Crew Cab
    2015 Subaru Forester
    Stuart

  9. #189
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    11,301

    Default

    Dear Sir:

    Our lab results confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancer. It was lipstick. We are sincerely sorry for the diagnostic error, apologize for the amputation and regret any inconvenience this may have caused.

    Your Obamacare Surgeon
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    Exile Tunes
    PWI
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



  10. #190
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Land O Lakes, Florida
    Posts
    5,871

    Default

    ^^^^^best of 2014 right there!!!
    Hey, Its Moomba time

    13 Mobius LSV
    08 Mobius LSV-sold
    03 Mobius LSV-sold
    life is about finding the balance between being a responsible adult and staying young at heart

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