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Thread: Joke of the Day
01-23-2014, 01:12 PM #191
Worship through they eye of the child:
School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She
asked the class, "If you saw a person
lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most
quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23.
She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.
After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.
"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon"
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night?
That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes, sir." the
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked. "No sir," the boy
replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
2000 Outback LS (sold)
01-23-2014, 05:23 PM #192
I need to send the "Prayer Unanswered" to our minister. Left church last week shaking my head. Thanks for the Jokes!2008 Moomba Mobius LSV Ballast III (stock), Heater, Roswell Quad Spin Pro, Bimini
02-13-2014, 08:24 PM #193
E-MAIL FROM A SAUDI STUDENT TO HIS DAD.
London is wonderful and people are really nice, I really like it here.
But dad I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my
Teachers and many fellow students all travel by train.
Your son, Nasser
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account.
Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.
Dad.jpgMy Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
2000 Outback LS (sold)
02-18-2014, 10:54 AM #194
To hoom it mae consern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type reale quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..
I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a picktere of me.
Dear Brianna ,
It's OK honey, we have SPELL CHECK.
See you Monday!
Brianna.jpgMy Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
2000 Outback LS (sold)
02-18-2014, 02:06 PM #195
Joke of the Day
2013 Moomba LSV2013 LSV
2006 outback DD sold
2004 Stingray 180LX sold
02-20-2014, 10:46 AM #196
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
. . . I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I know I don't have any of my own at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again . . .
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot and killed his wife.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
. . . Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife" . . .My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
2000 Outback LS (sold)
02-24-2014, 10:12 PM #197
This happened on a flight getting ready to
Depart for Detroit .
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy
Took the seat beside him. The guy was an
Emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking,
Moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's
Crazy people there. They've got lots of
Shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs,
Poor public schools, and the highest
Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life.
It's not as bad as the media says. Find a
Nice home, go to work, mind your own
Business, enroll your kids in a nice private
It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your
Word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
At the time it seemed like a good idea...
02-24-2014, 10:14 PM #198
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.At the time it seemed like a good idea...
03-20-2014, 01:47 PM #199
If Google was a guy - LMAO
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=B759dzymyocAt the time it seemed like a good idea...
04-29-2014, 10:28 PM #200
The Man Who Would Give Up Sex For Golf
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a mysterious looking stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again,
"Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."
The same dark stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle!
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the slithery stranger quickly moves to his side and says,
"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger sidles alongside of him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I am Satan, and from this day forward you will have NO sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer quietly replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
2000 Outback LS (sold)