Here's one anyway:
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.. What happened?? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'
'What about the wooden leg?? You didn't have that before.'
'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
'OK, but what about that hook?? What happened to your hand?
'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'
'What about that eye patch?'
'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'
'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?
'Well, it was my first day with the hook'
Life is Good
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Thread: Joke of the Day
09-30-2009, 02:18 AM #1
Joke of the Day1998 Mobius
310 HP PCM
09-30-2009, 04:58 PM #2
Thanks Ed. I thought maybe we were getting some off color jokes. It's usually in the first page or two.1998 Mobius
310 HP PCM
09-30-2009, 07:29 PM #3
The old man had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later,
in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning him.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
The old man responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
put my dog into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
The old man said, "Well, I just got the dog into the car and was driving
down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in the old man's answer
and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
The old man thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, like I was saying, I
had just loaded my dog into the car and was driving him down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and the dog was
thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I heard the dog moaning and groaning. I knew he was in terrible
shape just by his groans.
Then a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear the dog moaning and
groaning so he went over to him. After he looked at him, and saw what
terrible condition the dog was in, he took out his gun and shoots him
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in
hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"
"Now, Judge... what would YOU say?"
Last edited by moombadaze; 11-04-2009 at 10:33 AM.Hey, Its Moomba time
13 Mobius LSV
08 Mobius LSV-sold
03 Mobius LSV-sold
10-23-2009, 04:44 PM #4
Ed, stealing my joke? I posted that on here a month ago. (but yours did sound a little better)
10-26-2009, 12:32 PM #5
Did you hear what happened when the Obamas were out in the backyard of the White house tossing the football around? Obama won the Heismann trophy. Then he drove across town to show it to Henry Louis Gates and on the way he was awarded the NASCAR Sprint Cup.My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
10-26-2009, 01:12 PM #6
A couple in there 60s where at home one night. The wife came walkng into the living room stark naked and asked if he liked her outfit? The husband looked at her and asked "what are you wearing?" The wife replied "my Love dress!" The husband replied "it realy needs to be ironed"Malo <--- Means--Evil or Mean One. This explains a lot.
2013 Mojo 2.5 Skylon Tower. Bestia < Beast >
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Custom 1 Off Evolution Cover
10-31-2009, 08:43 AM #7
Seven Steps to a Happier You
1. Open a new/ empty file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barrack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barrack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better? GOOD!
Last edited by Ed G; 10-31-2009 at 03:55 PM.07 Mobius LS--Razorback Red
11-04-2009, 10:35 AM #8
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
It's so bad, I ordered a er at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The economy is so bad Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!Hey, Its Moomba time
13 Mobius LSV
08 Mobius LSV-sold
03 Mobius LSV-sold
11-13-2009, 03:57 PM #9
Uh - Oh
He just bought a new boat and decided to take her for the maiden voyage.
This was his first boat and he wasn't quite sure of the exact
Standard Operation for launching it off a ramp, but figured it couldn't be too hard.
He consulted his local boat dealer for advice, but they just said
"don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to launch the boat".
Well, he didn't know what they meant by that as he could barely get
the trailer in the water at all!2007 Moomba Outback - waiting for summer!
Why Not? Play Hard! Get wet
11-16-2009, 09:11 AM #10
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!