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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #1
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    Cool Joke of the Day

    Here's one anyway:

    A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.. What happened?? You look terrible.'

    'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'

    'What about the wooden leg?? You didn't have that before.'

    'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

    'OK, but what about that hook?? What happened to your hand?

    'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

    'What about that eye patch?'

    'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

    'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?
    'Well, it was my first day with the hook'

    Life is Good
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  2. #2
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    Default

    Thanks Ed. I thought maybe we were getting some off color jokes. It's usually in the first page or two.
    1998 Mobius
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  3. #3
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    The Accident
    The old man had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later,
    in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning him.

    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
    lawyer.

    The old man responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
    put my dog into the..."

    "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
    question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

    The old man said, "Well, I just got the dog into the car and was driving
    down the road...."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
    the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
    Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
    the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
    Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in the old man's answer
    and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
    dog."

    The old man thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, like I was saying, I
    had just loaded my dog into the car and was driving him down the highway
    when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
    truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and the dog was
    thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
    However, I heard the dog moaning and groaning. I knew he was in terrible
    shape just by his groans.

    Then a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear the dog moaning and
    groaning so he went over to him. After he looked at him, and saw what
    terrible condition the dog was in, he took out his gun and shoots him
    between the eyes. Then the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in
    hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

    "Now, Judge... what would YOU say?"
    Last edited by moombadaze; 11-04-2009 at 10:33 AM.
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  4. #4
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    Houston, TX
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    Default

    Ed, stealing my joke? I posted that on here a month ago. (but yours did sound a little better)

  5. #5
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    Did you hear what happened when the Obamas were out in the backyard of the White house tossing the football around? Obama won the Heismann trophy. Then he drove across town to show it to Henry Louis Gates and on the way he was awarded the NASCAR Sprint Cup.
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
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  6. #6
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    Default

    A couple in there 60s where at home one night. The wife came walkng into the living room stark naked and asked if he liked her outfit? The husband looked at her and asked "what are you wearing?" The wife replied "my Love dress!" The husband replied "it realy needs to be ironed"
    Malo <--- Means--Evil or Mean One. This explains a lot.
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  7. #7
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    Default

    Seven Steps to a Happier You

    1. Open a new/ empty file in your computer.

    2. Name it 'Barrack Obama'.

    3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

    4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

    5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barrack Obama?'

    6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

    7. Feel better? GOOD!
    Last edited by Ed G; 10-31-2009 at 03:55 PM.
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  8. #8
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    Default

    The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
    _____

    It's so bad, I ordered a er at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
    _____

    The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
    _____

    The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
    _____

    The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
    _____

    The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
    _____

    The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
    _____

    The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
    _____

    The economy is so bad Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
    _____

    The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
    _____

    The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
    _____

    The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
    _____

    And finally...

    Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
    Hey, Its Moomba time

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  9. #9
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    Default Uh - Oh

    He just bought a new boat and decided to take her for the maiden voyage.
    This was his first boat and he wasn't quite sure of the exact
    Standard Operation for launching it off a ramp, but figured it couldn't be too hard.

    He consulted his local boat dealer for advice, but they just said
    "don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to launch the boat".

    Well, he didn't know what they meant by that as he could barely get
    the trailer in the water at all!
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  10. #10
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    Default Talking Dog

    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

    'You talk?' he asks.

    'Yep,' the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

    'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV
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