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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #11
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    2,265

    Default Don't Drink too much this Thanksgiving :)

    WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK.......



    I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:



    A half-gallon of 2% milk

    A carton of eggs

    A quart of orange juice

    A head of lettuce

    A 2 lb. can of coffee

    A 1 lb. package of bacon



    As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'



    I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status...



    Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes you are correct." "But how on earth did you know that?"



    The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly"
    2007 Moomba Outback - waiting for summer!

    Why Not? Play Hard! Get wet

  2. #12
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Richmond, VA
    Posts
    1,790

    Smile

    Quote Originally Posted by flatH20 View Post
    if you hadn't seen this one before -
    Ha! Read that to my wife and even she laughed.
    2007 Outback
    2012 RAM Crew Cab
    Stuart

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    11,242

    Default

    Guy shoulda gone with Pilsbury, right?
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    Exile Tunes
    PWI
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



  4. #14
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    2,265

    Default Current Events

    It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
    All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

    Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

    Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

    Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

    Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

    Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

    Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

    Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

    Johnny is even madder than before.

    Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

    Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

    Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

    When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

    The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

    Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
    2007 Moomba Outback - waiting for summer!

    Why Not? Play Hard! Get wet

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Modesto, CA
    Posts
    20

    Default

    A baby boy is born without eyelids. They parents are very upset and ask the Doctor what he can do. The doctor performs a circumsicion on the boy and uses the forskin for eyelids



    Now

    The poor kid is cockeyed

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    11,242

    Default Confession

    After years of being away from the Church an Irishman goes into the confessional box. He's amazed to find there's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

    Then the priest comes in.

    "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

    The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    Exile Tunes
    PWI
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



  7. #17
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    s.e. washington state
    Posts
    2,092

    Default

    Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger?

    Santa stops after 3 Ho's
    1998 Mobius
    310 HP PCM

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    s.e. washington state
    Posts
    2,092

    Default Holiday Message

    Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

    Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
    Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
    She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
    Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
    He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
    Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
    He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
    With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
    From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
    Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
    With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
    When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
    Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',
    Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
    And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
    "If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."
    She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
    Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
    ---------------------------------------------------------

    Little Johnny

    It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

    Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
    Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

    Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

    Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
    Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

    Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

    Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
    Johnny is even madder than before.

    Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

    Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
    Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

    When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

    The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
    Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
    1998 Mobius
    310 HP PCM

  9. #19
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Lake Village, AR
    Posts
    425

    Default

    Blonde Password


    During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to. When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
    07 Mobius LS--Razorback Red

  10. #20
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Land O Lakes, Florida
    Posts
    5,866

    Default

    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. @#ck those rednecks!

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    FRANK: You could put a @?%#ing grenade in my mouth, pull the $#@!ing pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f#$%ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s#i$ to match my &*%damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. $@ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the !@#$ing 4inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
    FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
    Hey, Its Moomba time

    13 Mobius LSV
    08 Mobius LSV-sold
    03 Mobius LSV-sold
    life is about finding the balance between being a responsible adult and staying young at heart

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