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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Lake Village, AR
    Posts
    425

    Default Teacher Arrested In New York

    TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK –

    A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

    As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

    It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow----
    07 Mobius LS--Razorback Red

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Olathe Colorado
    Posts
    217

    Default 10 Ways To Make Doing Your Taxes More Fun

    10. Do 'em naked.

    9. Instead of a restaurant receipt, send them leftovers from the meal in question.

    8. Frequent use of the word "eleventeen."

    7. Claim a deduction, do a shot!

    6. In "For Office Use Only" area write "Approved. Send refund immediately."

    5. Apply a long-term capital gain rate of 20% to a mutual fund, do a shot!

    4. Sneeze on forms.

    3. Instead of using dated definition of income, use the proposed revised definition under section 643(B) in which conforming amendments are made to regulations affecting ordinary trusts, pooled income funds, charitable remainder trusts, trusts that qualify for the gift and estate tax marital deduction, and trusts that are exempt from generation-skipping transfer taxes -- that always puts a smile on my face.

    2. Deduct $100 in medical expenses for all the paper cuts you suffered because tax form is 75 damn pages long!

    1. Audit yourself, if you know what I mean.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Kaukauna, WI - 3minutes from glass
    Posts
    1,743

    Default

    censored by thought control
    Last edited by kaneboats; 01-28-2010 at 12:28 PM.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    South Bend, IN
    Posts
    199

    Default

    Got this from the local campus paper:

    How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

    A baseball bat

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Eugene OR
    Posts
    1,703

    Default

    Ed,
    I can see how some of the jokes are not for kids to read and people should have a good warning before reading them. Would it be better to have another thread that is called "Read at your own Risk jokes"

    Also can you make the Joke of the Day a sticky so it is always at the top?
    2008 Outback V
    “Do not wait; the time will never be “just right.” Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along." -Napoleon Hill

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Land O Lakes, Florida
    Posts
    5,870

    Default

    As we come near the end of another year - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally confused about everything in the world now and have little chance of recovery.





    I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.




    I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
    I can't sit down on the hotel



    bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.




    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).




    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.




    I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.




    I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.




    I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.




    I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
    I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.




    THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.




    Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.




    I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.




    I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.




    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.







    Thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Making me even more ugly than old age has already done.




    I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.




    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.




    I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually AlQaeda in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.




    I no longer buy expensive cookies since I now have their recipe.




    Thanks to You I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thanks for Your great advice on this - I can't ever pick up anything dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab my leg from underneath my car.




    I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy from certain fuel companies!




    I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid the Violin Spider will bite me and my hand will fall off.








    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p..m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.




    Oh, by the way.




    A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain capacity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

    PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the crapper.
    Hey, Its Moomba time

    13 Mobius LSV
    08 Mobius LSV-sold
    03 Mobius LSV-sold
    life is about finding the balance between being a responsible adult and staying young at heart

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Kaukauna, WI - 3minutes from glass
    Posts
    1,743

    Default

    Ed didn't mean to cross a line I'll keep it clean next time.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Land O Lakes, Florida
    Posts
    5,870

    Default

    As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.




    The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
    She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.




    Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

    At the third red light, the same thing happens again.



    All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

    When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.



    He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...











    "Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in OHIO,and I'm driving the
    SALT TRUCK!"
    Hey, Its Moomba time

    13 Mobius LSV
    08 Mobius LSV-sold
    03 Mobius LSV-sold
    life is about finding the balance between being a responsible adult and staying young at heart

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Funroe, LA
    Posts
    107

    Default

    As a child, growing up in New Orleans, Peyton Manning would often dream of throwing the Superbowl winning, touchdown pass for the New Orleans Saints..............


    Guess dreams really do come true.....................
    www.louisianawakeboarding.com

    2004 LSV
    Perfect Pass, Integrated ballast (front, rear, middle), Wake Plate, Tower mounted bimini, Swivel board racks, Surf board rack, Tower mounted mirror, Keel guard, 4 tower speakers, 12" sub, 2 amps, transom remote, Bow filler cushion, and the list continues to grow.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    s.e. washington state
    Posts
    2,097

    Default This is No Joke - But It Ends Up Being One

    You gotta read this Craigslist listing. Why college when you can be a commedien.

    http://kpr.craigslist.org/cto/1619578238.html
    1998 Mobius
    310 HP PCM

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