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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #171
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    Jan 2008
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    A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

    'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

    'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

    'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket.'

    After a moment of silence, he farted.
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    Exile Tunes
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  2. #172
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    Jun 2013
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    Just made my crappy day much better...........thanks!!!
    2013 Outback V
    2003 SeaRay 182 -- gone but not forgotten...

  3. #173
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    Jan 2008
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    Hey, coach! It's what I do. Glad I'm appreciated. Soon I'll be on tour.
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    Exile Tunes
    PWI
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



  4. #174
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    Mar 2008
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    Vancouver WA
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    Default Re: Joke of the Day

    ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
    submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
    interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
    little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
    adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
    safety...??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I
    loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
    was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of
    electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
    is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
    needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
    then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
    give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
    some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
    Tazer in another.

    The directions said that:

    a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
    bodily control; and

    a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    ground like a fish out of water.

    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
    less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
    batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
    so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from
    such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
    myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
    recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
    again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
    tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
    to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
    and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
    before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously
    in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
    living room.

    Note:
    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
    one note of caution:

    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will
    not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
    thrashing about on the floor!
    A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
    point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
    the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    * The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
    originally was.
    * My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
    * My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
    weighed 88 lbs.
    * I had no control over the drooling.
    * Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure,
    and my sense of smell was gone.
    * I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my
    hair.
    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for
    their safe return!

    PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now
    regularly threatens me with it!


    PWI as usual...

  5. #175
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Eugene OR
    Posts
    1,692

    Default

    A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

    The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

    "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
    2008 Outback V
    “Do not wait; the time will never be “just right.” Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along." -Napoleon Hill

  6. #176
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Belton, SC
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    885

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by newty View Post
    ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
    anybody know how to clean potato chips off a monitor? lol. i shouldn't have read this at lunch at work. too dang funny!!!
    '00 Moomba Kamberra
    '06 Yamaha FZ1 & 6 dirtbikes for me & my kids
    '99 BMW 528it
    '06 Chevy Express 3500 (15 passenger)

  7. #177
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    Mar 2003
    Location
    s.e. washington state
    Posts
    2,065

    Default Teacher Arrested

    A public school teacher was arrested today at Tampa International airport as
    he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor
    a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference,
    Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the
    notorious Al-Gebra movement.

    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
    weapons of math instruction.

    'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
    solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
    of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer
    to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a
    common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
    country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides
    to every triangle."

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had
    wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us
    more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not
    recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is
    believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
    1998 Mobius
    310 HP PCM

  8. #178
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    Jul 2013
    Location
    jonesboro IN
    Posts
    53

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by zabooda View Post
    A public school teacher was arrested today at Tampa International airport as
    he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor
    a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference,
    Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the
    notorious Al-Gebra movement.

    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
    weapons of math instruction.

    'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
    solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
    of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer
    to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a
    common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
    country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides
    to every triangle."

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had
    wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us
    more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not
    recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is
    believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

    bad just bad
    2000 Möbius V
    Indmar assault 5.7mpi
    Perfect pass stargazer wake
    Oj 445 will be replaced soon
    1100#on each side of the eng ,800 in ski locker
    almost enough

  9. #179
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Location
    Fort Worth, TX
    Posts
    122

    Default Joke of the Day

    Man died and went to heaven. He's standing at the pearly gates and sees clocks everywhere. He asks St Peter what all the clocks were for. St Peter said its how he keeps track of people's lies. The man sees a clock sitting on the 1 and asks who's it it. St Peter said that's Mother Teresa's, she only told one lie. He sees one sitting on 2, and asks who's that is. St Peter said that's Abe Lincoln's. then the guy asks " where is Obamas clock?". St Peter replies, "it's in Jesus's office on the ceiling, he's using as a ceiling fan!"


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free
    2013 MOJO

  10. #180
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Vancouver WA
    Posts
    2,608

    Default Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by trmaggie98 View Post
    Man died and went to heaven. He's standing at the pearly gates and sees clocks everywhere. He asks St Peter what all the clocks were for. St Peter said its how he keeps track of people's lies. The man sees a clock sitting on the 1 and asks who's it it. St Peter said that's Mother Teresa's, she only told one lie. He sees one sitting on 2, and asks who's that is. St Peter said that's Abe Lincoln's. then the guy asks " where is Obamas clock?". St Peter replies, "it's in Jesus's office on the ceiling, he's using as a ceiling fan!"


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free
    AWESOME! Lol


    PWI as usual...

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